You don't have to read this one.

Hello from Wellington! I hope everyone had a wonderful weekend-- I heard there was freezing rain in Ohio-- none of that here-- but if it makes you feel any better it did sprinkle for about 20 minutes on Saturday. It seems impossible that it would be so cold at home. The only place that makes me feel like Christmas time is wintery- is in Starbucks. No joke-- they make no attempt to Kiwi-fy their cafe-- there are snowflakes everywhere and it says on the sign outside "come in for a hot drink." I guess that is why all the local cafes in Welli are more popular.

I guess I'll tell you about the most frusturating day of last week first. On Friday, I woke up in a grumpy, gloomy mood- but decided to clean our flat, bake a cake, and film a short video of our place to send home for ELLA AND GRANDMA SPECK'S BIRTHDAY! It was Ella's (for those of you who don't know her-- she's my neice) 2nd birthday and Gma's 80th-- and I was sad to be missing them. So I cleaned. And I baked. You have never seen such a bad cake before-- not ever. I thought- oh well if I frost it, it will look fine for the video. The frosting made the cake look 5x's worse. So I thought- oh well I'll still make the video with the cake and it will be funny. Bright spot of the day-- the video was great! I filmed our whole flat and had a cute birthday message and cake in it-- lovely. Went to the computer to send the video, and what do you know-- I accidently errase the video. So what do I do-- the mature, loving Christian that I am-who is here to spread the love of Jesus- I stomp into my bedroom muttering under my breath that I do not want to see anyone or talk to anyone- ever. Yes I totally resorted to my 5 year old behavior. It was embarassing. It was frusturating. And I was still so upset about it 2 days later that when I told Steph (Ella's mom) about it-- I cried. It's starting to cross over into the funny side-- but it's still upseting and I haven't brought myself to re-film it yet.

So I'm not sure if it was completely worth your time to read my story-- but that day felt like the topper of last week. There were high spots-- but there was a lot of frusturation for me. The entire week I was fighting myself to do anything. Even though I was getting amazing emails from friends at home- I didn't want to respond to any of them. Even though I'm in the middle of a great book-- I didn't want to read it. And although most of the time I love planning-- I hated the thought of doing all the planning which I need to be doing right now. I felt like I had to be doing everything. I had to put effort into all of my friendships, I had to read my Bible, I had to be livng here-- in my head nothing was a choice, God was controling everything so what did it matter what I did or didn't do. Of course it wasn't until I had a break-down such as the one on Friday (and Sunday for that matter) that I really started to process through what I was thinking/ doing this week. Every time I would get an email from one of my friends at home-- I would say to myself-- gah God why did you take me out of those friend's lives and place me here where I have to befriend people like the good lil Christian does? I didn't feel like making new friends- and since I couldn't be friends with people so far away like I wanted to- I wasn't a friend to anyone last week- not even God. It was a drag even to talk to Him.

I don't know if I've worked through much of this yet. I had really good conversation with Justin and with my teammates here about how I'm feeling-- and I am so thankful for these conversations- but I'm not sure that I'm on the other side of these questions. How do we walk with God and not feel like we have to do things? -like we have freedom to love and to serve the most Holy and amazing Father- yet He requires nothing from us. Or does He?

I sat at a cafe throwing question after question at Justin. He did his best to answer or to question me back. And it was so needed. But really-- it just helped me realize how much I am in a relationship with God. I have some of the same questions I had 5 years ago. I have new ones, too that don't seem to have an answer any time soon. A relationship with God looks much different than I ever thought it did. Just as a relationship with Justin looks much different than I ever thought it would. I can't do the same things every day and expect the same outcome. I don't have to do the same things to get the same outcome. God is not an equation. He is not a system. I have a relationship with Him. My life with Him has a rhythm, but I'm still learning what that looks like.

I'm so glad that I didn't have to write this blog. Glad that you didn't have to read it either:) but I'm also glad that I did. For those of you wondering what I actually did last week during all of this-- I read and I planned- even those most of it felt dead. I'm hoping and praying that this week is different. Saturday our team also volunteered for 10 hours at a climate action festival-- it is amazing to learn how everything we do affects people and the world around us. Learning to care about my effect on things is part of the journey God has me on right now.

Hope you're enjoying the part of the journey He has you on right now, too. I'd love to hear from you. But I don't have to:) ~Lacey

ps I'm extremely excited for Christmas season to be here!-- they have some different Christmas carols and traditions here-- I'll try to keep you posted on them. I'm really excited to spend the Holidays with my new friends from Mosaic- we are sharing holiday stories and treats Sunday night! It was weird to do our shopping sooooo early so our presents could get home in time-- and I'm still working on some- sorry if yours is late (of if you don't get one from me:) and of course Grandma Speck's Christmas package has already arrived-- she is so wise and on top of things!